Last month, I shared what it means and why it matters for your child to be Out of Stress Mode; and how this is a prerequisite for your Sensitive Child to shift into Healing and Learning Mode – where rest, connection, digestion and growth become possible.
As the parent of a Sensitive Child, you might find yourself caught in your own version of Stress Mode more often than you’d like. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed by the constant meltdowns, exhausted from walking on eggshells, or frustrated by the never-ending cleaning and cooking.
This newsletter is about you. Today, I want to offer tools that will help you come up for air and get a break from burnout. I truly care about you and hope you feel loved and supported.
Your child’s nervous system is deeply connected to yours. When you’re stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, your child feels it—even when you think you’re hiding it well.
Think about this: What is the first thing a young child does when they meet a new person? They look at you—their parent. They watch your face, your body language, your energy. They’re asking, “Is this person safe?” And they determine the answer by observing how you respond.
You are your child’s safe harbor. They look to you to determine how safe they are in any given moment.
You and your child are connected in ways that might be hard to describe with words. Has your child ever seemed to “read your mind”? Have you ever sensed your child was in danger—only to turn around and find they were about to fall into a dangerous situation? Your mama (or papa) instinct just knew something was about to happen…
Dr. Stephen Porges, who developed the Polyvagal Theory, calls this co-regulation—your calm state gives your child signals of safety. When you are calm, happy, and genuinely excited about your child, you give them thousands of non-verbal cues through your facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and even your eyes that say: “You are safe. You are loved.”
Recognizing Your Own Stress Signals
The first step in supporting your child Out of Stress Mode is learning to recognize your own Stress Mode and Signals of Stress (SOS). These might include:
- Tense jaw or shoulders
- Frowning or tight facial expressions
- Shallow breathing
- Speaking loudly or quickly
- Impatience or irritability
- Racing heart
- Nail biting or leg shaking
When you notice these signals, pause. Don’t judge yourself—just observe with kindness.
Moving Through Your Stress
When you’re in Stress Mode, try this gentle process:
1. Name Your Emotion
What’s behind the stress? Worry? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Resentment?
Instead of pushing the feelings away, acknowledge them. Have compassion for yourself—it’s okay to feel this way.
2. Engage Your SOS Circuit Breakers
- Use playfulness or laughter (or cry if you need to)
- Lengthen your breaths (try in for 4, out for 6)
- Offer self-reassurance: “I am okay. My family is okay.”
- Sing—sound and vibration engage the vagus nerve (supporting parasympathetic state)
- Move your body: go for a walk, stretch, rock from side to side
- Try sensory input: hugs, rhythm, tapping
- Connect with loving, supportive people
- Eat something nourishing: protein, healthy fats – e.g., meatball or egg with butter
- Ask yourself: “What does this stress need? What is it trying to tell me?”
Gentle Reflection for Deeper Awareness
When it feels right, explore these additional questions, to help you further understand your Stress Mode:
- What’s the main thing bothering me right now?
- What am I making this mean about me, my child, or our family?
- What would the compassionate part of me—the part that sees solutions—say about this?
- What outcome would I love to see instead?
A Note on Stress
Here’s something that might shift your perspective: Stress isn’t something to avoid at all costs.
It gives us the opportunity to move through it and build a more resilient, adaptive nervous system. It opens the door for self-compassion, repair, and ultimately self-love.
When you model this process—when your child sees you notice your stress, name it with kindness, and use tools to regulate yourself—you’re teaching emotional resilience. You’re showing them how to navigate their own Stress Mode.
Try This
Over the next week, set gentle reminders to check in with yourself 2–3 times each day. Ask:
- How is my jaw? My shoulders? My breath?
- What emotion is here? What is it telling me?
- What does this stress need?
- What would help me feel more at ease right now?
- Can I bring a bit more playfulness into this moment?
Remember—you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t need to be calm all the time. You’re human… Just practice noticing when you are in Stress Mode, and what helps shift your nervous system to a calm state.
At any moment, you can press the “repair” button. That gives you an instant reset—and you get to decide how to move forward from that moment on…
For example, if you snapped at your child, you can take a long breath and say:
“Let me try that again differently. I don’t want to snap—I was feeling overwhelmed, and I love you.”
These do-overs, offered with compassion for yourself and your child, create a foundation for safety, connection, and growth.
If you feel like your nervous system is often in Stress Mode and it’s hard to come up for some air—let’s talk! I have helped hundreds of families with sensitive children for more than two decades, and it would be my honor to support you on this journey.
